May 28, 2010
May 27, 2010
Show and Tell
While browsing the TV channels few hours ago I came across an ad for a new TV show "Baat Humari pakki Hai"
Here's the promo that intrigued me,
It is hardly a minute long but still there is so much wrong here, or I should say there is hardly anything in it that is right!
Wow! We are telling our girls that
This is where we have reached after claiming bragging rights for Jhansi ki rani who led a battle, Sarojini Naidu who was the president of Indian National Congress and later on became the first female governor in India, Kamaljit Sandhu who won a Gold in Asian games for India, Kalpana Chawla who went to space, Indira Gandhi, Pratibha Patil and many unknown women who are achieving what they aspire. The list of women who went on to do something with their lives other than just getting married is endless and we all are proud of them. When we present our country anywhere else in the world, we do not shy away and rather flaunt about these facts, we love to tell everyone that ours is a progressive country with equal rights and opportunities for men and women. Is it really the reality? When the time comes for us to participate in that progress, when we get a chance to empower our girls, what do we do in our homes? We give them a rolling pin and a fairness creme.
A friend in college was once told by her boyfriend that when you see my mom I want you to look down and keep your head down. You posture isn't like that of a daughter in law. When she told me this we both knew what her decision should be. But really? This is what we expect? The conclusive and final goal for a girl is getting married and since the time she is born, her upbringing needs to be such that she becomes a "good wife" who tends the house and raise kids. And do we ever think what kind of children she is going to raise if her only mission in life was to get married, if she was never told the importance of learning, never told or was rather discouraged to speak for herself? How can she raise balanced minds when hers was made to tilt in one direction? How can we have a positive society when almost half the population has been robbed of their happiness? Aren't we setting ourselves up for failure? Should we not be worried about this lop sided society we are trying to create with this imbalance? When will we wake up to this fact that if a girl holds the rolling pin, its not just to please her in laws or her husband, cooking could be her passion, or she may want to become a chef! While grooming herself, she may become interested in being a make up artist or a fashion designer, she might be weaving a dream of being an athlete....or for all its worth, she may want to lead a non professional life of a homemaker but these need to be her aspirations and not imposed on her by anyone, she needs to grow up with a respect for her desires and aspirations and we need to be the instrument for that growth. And for any of these to come true, we need to realize that getting married is a part of her life and not her life. She is not for Show and Tell, she is an entity, a person, a mind and a heart. And the day we all recognize and in fact appreciate this bottom line, then we can end the story with .......and they lived happily ever after.
Here's the promo that intrigued me,
It is hardly a minute long but still there is so much wrong here, or I should say there is hardly anything in it that is right!
Wow! We are telling our girls that
- they should not play in the sun or their complexion will darken and no one would marry them,
- they need to learn to cook to get married,
- they need not focus on their academics because once they get married only housework knowledge will come handy and
This is where we have reached after claiming bragging rights for Jhansi ki rani who led a battle, Sarojini Naidu who was the president of Indian National Congress and later on became the first female governor in India, Kamaljit Sandhu who won a Gold in Asian games for India, Kalpana Chawla who went to space, Indira Gandhi, Pratibha Patil and many unknown women who are achieving what they aspire. The list of women who went on to do something with their lives other than just getting married is endless and we all are proud of them. When we present our country anywhere else in the world, we do not shy away and rather flaunt about these facts, we love to tell everyone that ours is a progressive country with equal rights and opportunities for men and women. Is it really the reality? When the time comes for us to participate in that progress, when we get a chance to empower our girls, what do we do in our homes? We give them a rolling pin and a fairness creme.
A friend in college was once told by her boyfriend that when you see my mom I want you to look down and keep your head down. You posture isn't like that of a daughter in law. When she told me this we both knew what her decision should be. But really? This is what we expect? The conclusive and final goal for a girl is getting married and since the time she is born, her upbringing needs to be such that she becomes a "good wife" who tends the house and raise kids. And do we ever think what kind of children she is going to raise if her only mission in life was to get married, if she was never told the importance of learning, never told or was rather discouraged to speak for herself? How can she raise balanced minds when hers was made to tilt in one direction? How can we have a positive society when almost half the population has been robbed of their happiness? Aren't we setting ourselves up for failure? Should we not be worried about this lop sided society we are trying to create with this imbalance? When will we wake up to this fact that if a girl holds the rolling pin, its not just to please her in laws or her husband, cooking could be her passion, or she may want to become a chef! While grooming herself, she may become interested in being a make up artist or a fashion designer, she might be weaving a dream of being an athlete....or for all its worth, she may want to lead a non professional life of a homemaker but these need to be her aspirations and not imposed on her by anyone, she needs to grow up with a respect for her desires and aspirations and we need to be the instrument for that growth. And for any of these to come true, we need to realize that getting married is a part of her life and not her life. She is not for Show and Tell, she is an entity, a person, a mind and a heart. And the day we all recognize and in fact appreciate this bottom line, then we can end the story with .......and they lived happily ever after.
May 25, 2010
On The Podium Now: Our Guest Blogger
The author of this blog is currently suffering from writer's (as if !!) block, We have been fortunate that Miss Saumya has graciously offered to fill in. Yay!!
First things first : Miss Saumya wants the readers to know and keep this in mind that she is 5 years old and not "old" like her Mom, so please be extra kind. Also, Saumya will be dictating and mom will be typing. Ahem!
I will be telling you about my day. You do want to know about it, right? Alright here we go :-)
Beep Beep Beep: Beep Beep Beep: There goes my castle alarm clock and I quickly jump out of the bed to turn it off, otherwise mama comes rushing to my bedroom to see why I am not waking up!! Sometimes it becomes hard to turn it off because I am holding pinku in my other hand. Oh, I didn't tell you about Pinku yet! Its my sleeping buddy since I was 18 months old, Mama told me that. Do you know what color it is? It is Pink, you silly!!! That's why its name is Pinku!! Hehehehehe!
So after I turn my castle alarm clock off, you know its a pretty clock and is not very loud, I like it, it helps me wake up without anyone's help, so after I turn it off, I put Pinku on the chair. It stays in that chair all day and I only hold it again at bedtime. Sometimes I make it wear my baby clothes and then it looks just like me when I was a baby. Only I didn't have a bear face! That would be funny because I am a girl!! Hehehehehe. And after putting Pinku in the chair I run to Mama and Daddy's bedroom and then Mama hugs me and gives me lots of kisses and we say Good Morning to each other. And then I surprise daddy with a pucchi (Kiss) while his eyes are closed! It is so much fun :-) and he always asks for more, more and more. But Mama tells me that I am getting late. So I go to the bathroom and do "hehehehehehe" (added by mama: the author is not sure if you want to know about her bathroom routine, i guess we will skip. yes, You are welcome) I brush my teeth and wash myself. Bathroom is so much fun, I look out the window at the birds, the trees and our lawn and our neighbor's house but then Mama comes and says I need to hurry up, Jaldi Karo, Jaldi Karo!!! So I quickly go to my bedroom and wear my school clothes that Mama and me took out the night before, right after the story time. I get ready and then I choose which socks to wear. When its hot I wear short socks and when its warm I wear medium socks and when its cold I wear socks that go all the way up, up up!! And then I do my hair. My hair is so short now its no fun but it does make me get ready quickly. Then I go downstairs and sit on a chair and drink milk. Sometimes I drink it so quick that I ask Mama "why didn't you give me any milk and why did you give me a dirty glass?" I love asking this but when I am slow, Mama tells me I can't ask this question. Sometimes I eat a fruit after the milk and sometimes I say I am already too full. Then I wash my face. I am super quick on many days and then after drinking milk I get time to read a book. I read and read and read while mama packs my lunch. One day I want to pack my own lunch and I will be a chef when I grow up and that is why I keep "observing" mama when she is doing it. She told me that I can learn to do things if I observe. So I observe. But sometimes Mama gets upset when I ask her a lot of questions about my lunch.
Then I wear my shoes, mama puts on sunscreen on me and I put on my sunglasses because I have to protect my eyes from the harmful rays of the sun and then I go sit in the car and buckle my car seat. Then Mama drives me to school. One day I will be old enough to drive myself to school and then Mama will sit in the back. It will be so much fun!! Mama is a good driver, she drives safely and that is why I observe her while driving so I can be a safe driver. Then we reach school and Mama drops me at the classroom door and says bye. I shake hands with Ms.C and put my lunch bag away and take off my outdoor shoes and wear my indoor shoes. Then we have circle when Ms .C tells us news of the day. Then I do writing but sometimes it just takes me so long that I cannot do anything else. I think I need to switch my coloring, which I do super fast with my writing which is very slow. Then it will be good. And then I chose work like fruit cutting, chair washing, sewing buttons, addition stamp game, math beads, math chains, metal insets, I made a huge metal inset quilt with my friend R. It was really huge and took us many days to finish. I also work on the easel, do maps, sort animals in their continents, sort animals in water bodies. There is a lot of work in my classroom and I can chose to do what I want. We go out also and that is the best time at school!! When I don't know who to play with I just run around in circles, it is super fun.
Then Mama comes to pick me up. On the way I tell her about my day but sometimes I want to be quiet. Once home, mama gives me a bath and I get to see all the sand running down my body, as if my head is a sand box....hehehe!!
Then I eat fruits and my favorite in summers is watermelon. It is so water.......hey maybe that's why they call it water melon. Hehehehe!! Then Mama and me play games. Bingo, Zingo, Scrabble, Blokus, Set.............. I love them all and I do not get sad when I lose. I say "Grashulations" to mama for winning and she hugs me tight and when I win, mama is also happy. Then I read, read and read. I like reading encyclopedia, about earth, about planets, about my body. One day I will go to space with mama. I will be an Astronaut. After this I water the plants indoors and also outdoors but only when the weather is good and I can be outside. Then its dinner time. I eat food and mama drinks her tea. After this we sometimes go out, we look for lady bugs and we walk to the lake to see the Geese and ducks, sometimes I see otters also in the water! Then Its time for me to brush and floss my teeth and then its story time when Mama or daddy read to me! Sometimes I let them chose the book also. Then Mama checks next day's weather and we take out clothes for school. We give lots of hugs and kisses and say good night, subah milengey (meet you in the morning).
Hehehehe....
May 21, 2010
From Mercury To Pluto
Once my little daughter, when she was 4 years old, told me how God and a mother are related. Her point of view though precious, did pose a lot of questions to me. When we are little children we see our parents as absolutes, as irrefutable entities. If my mother said so, it has to be true, if my dad can't do it no one can. Parents are given an unparalleled position, a supreme pedestal by the little ones and these rudimentary souls hold indestructible trust that whatever parents say or do is beyond question. Its one of the purest form of human emotions. Such kind of love and trust is nowhere to be seen, never in any other relationship. Why? And why does this relationship of a parent and child change?
When a child is born, she is at the mercy of her parents to survive. They feed her, clean her, comfort her, they provide for her in every possible way she needs them and then some more. The child starts growing and though very little, her mind is taking shape with the influx of information that is obviously in favor of the parent. I cried, they fed me. I cried, they swaddled me. I cried, they cleaned me. I cried, they held me. I cried, they talked to me. Whenever the child wants, we give. All the childhood years, this process goes on. And the parents enjoy doing this because their actions are never questioned, never investigated by the child. There is no doubt it's a laborious task but a very gratifying one!! Parents are in control of the situation, they have complete authority and the child displays a sense of security while being in their company. It's a harmonious system of give and take, where one gives and the other takes. But as the child grows, she gets exposed to the outside world. There are other people, other places, and other experiences outside home that influence the flourishing mind. And the shift begins. The child develops a mind of his own which does not take things as absolutes, a mind which questions everything and does not follow rules simply because mama said so. The progressing mind asks for reasons and also starts to question his parent's beliefs and values. The child isn't just an unassuming, compliant sole anymore. The parents, who became so habitual of being on the supreme pedestal that their child honored them with in the early years, become nervous. This inquisition makes them uneasy.
Few days ago, we were in the car, going out for casual family fun and my little one said "Mama, I love you" This verbal display of love isn't out of the ordinary for her, she says it only about 10 or 15 times a day. I was reading something and responded with a nod and a "Umhum" and then she said "Mama, I love you from Mercury to Pluto" ..................Honestly, my heart skipped a beat. To say that I was ecstatic would be an understatement but more than that I was afraid. Her words grabbed my heartstrings and pulled on them as if asking "Are you ready to take the pain, are you strong enough to bear the heartache?"
Not that I believe that once we grow up, we stop loving our parents but our opinion about them does change. They don't get to say the last word, we learn that they always don't know what's best for us, we mature enough to acknowledge that if dad can't do, somebody else can. Because of our growth as an individual, our own set of ideas, our own perception of right and wrong, all that shapes us as an independent entity and separates us from the whole, we become capable of looking at our parents as normal, regular people. We are able to expect mistakes from them, our wisdom helps us unload from them the burden of being "supreme beings" and in a way this should bring a sigh of relief to parents but it does exactly the opposite. To the parents, that absolute, never questioning, unconditional love of the child seems to travel from Mercury to Pluto, from burning hot to freezing cold. The parent child relationship changes. For the "all in power parent" its hard to relinquish that predominant position that the child bestowed them with.
Looking at my relationships, I am not the same with my parents. I love them even more than when I was a child, for now I understand their struggles as well as their little joys but I can also analyze their actions and can perceive the mistakes they made, things they could have done better or not. And history has a tendency to repeat itself, life has a penchant of coming to a full circle which brings me back to my fear. I am afraid to lose that shining pedestal, the glory of being the first in my child's life, the powerful feeling of knowing the right thing all the time.
But when I ponder a little more, I believe as a parent I need to remember that there will be a time when my child will experience life on her own and I won't be a part of every peak and valley she goes through. The years I spend with her while standing at the podium will make memories forever but there will be time to handover the podium to her. And her love will travel back and forth between Mercury and Pluto but I need to stay grounded on earth and not melt in the heat or freeze in the frigidity of that love.
When a child is born, she is at the mercy of her parents to survive. They feed her, clean her, comfort her, they provide for her in every possible way she needs them and then some more. The child starts growing and though very little, her mind is taking shape with the influx of information that is obviously in favor of the parent. I cried, they fed me. I cried, they swaddled me. I cried, they cleaned me. I cried, they held me. I cried, they talked to me. Whenever the child wants, we give. All the childhood years, this process goes on. And the parents enjoy doing this because their actions are never questioned, never investigated by the child. There is no doubt it's a laborious task but a very gratifying one!! Parents are in control of the situation, they have complete authority and the child displays a sense of security while being in their company. It's a harmonious system of give and take, where one gives and the other takes. But as the child grows, she gets exposed to the outside world. There are other people, other places, and other experiences outside home that influence the flourishing mind. And the shift begins. The child develops a mind of his own which does not take things as absolutes, a mind which questions everything and does not follow rules simply because mama said so. The progressing mind asks for reasons and also starts to question his parent's beliefs and values. The child isn't just an unassuming, compliant sole anymore. The parents, who became so habitual of being on the supreme pedestal that their child honored them with in the early years, become nervous. This inquisition makes them uneasy.
Few days ago, we were in the car, going out for casual family fun and my little one said "Mama, I love you" This verbal display of love isn't out of the ordinary for her, she says it only about 10 or 15 times a day. I was reading something and responded with a nod and a "Umhum" and then she said "Mama, I love you from Mercury to Pluto" ..................Honestly, my heart skipped a beat. To say that I was ecstatic would be an understatement but more than that I was afraid. Her words grabbed my heartstrings and pulled on them as if asking "Are you ready to take the pain, are you strong enough to bear the heartache?"
Not that I believe that once we grow up, we stop loving our parents but our opinion about them does change. They don't get to say the last word, we learn that they always don't know what's best for us, we mature enough to acknowledge that if dad can't do, somebody else can. Because of our growth as an individual, our own set of ideas, our own perception of right and wrong, all that shapes us as an independent entity and separates us from the whole, we become capable of looking at our parents as normal, regular people. We are able to expect mistakes from them, our wisdom helps us unload from them the burden of being "supreme beings" and in a way this should bring a sigh of relief to parents but it does exactly the opposite. To the parents, that absolute, never questioning, unconditional love of the child seems to travel from Mercury to Pluto, from burning hot to freezing cold. The parent child relationship changes. For the "all in power parent" its hard to relinquish that predominant position that the child bestowed them with.
Looking at my relationships, I am not the same with my parents. I love them even more than when I was a child, for now I understand their struggles as well as their little joys but I can also analyze their actions and can perceive the mistakes they made, things they could have done better or not. And history has a tendency to repeat itself, life has a penchant of coming to a full circle which brings me back to my fear. I am afraid to lose that shining pedestal, the glory of being the first in my child's life, the powerful feeling of knowing the right thing all the time.
But when I ponder a little more, I believe as a parent I need to remember that there will be a time when my child will experience life on her own and I won't be a part of every peak and valley she goes through. The years I spend with her while standing at the podium will make memories forever but there will be time to handover the podium to her. And her love will travel back and forth between Mercury and Pluto but I need to stay grounded on earth and not melt in the heat or freeze in the frigidity of that love.
May 19, 2010
May 17, 2010
Dreams Unlimited
I recently started watching Indian Idol, as much as the antics of Annu Malik bother me, the show does make feel closer to India. The songs are the ones I grew up with, songs to the tunes of which I did my first dance, songs that remind of fresher parties in college, songs that remind of my dating days,songs that remind of my childhood, songs that bring me home. It's gratifying to devour such songs while being so far away from home. So there, since I have explained the reasons that help me tolerate the ludicrous judge, let's move on from the judges to the contestants. Actually to their answer to a particular question.
"Why do you want to be the Indian Idol?"
And here the answers in no particular order:
1.Its my mom's dream.
2.Its my dad's dream
3.Its my mom and dad's dream
Out of the millions of hopefuls that came for the auditions only a handful had a reason outside of the one's mentioned above. Does this say anything about us as a society? As parents? Many of us, as parents, try to manifest our dream through our children. And in this quest of our own unfulfilled dream, we tend to make the child believe that this is what he/she wants for herself and that we are supporting his/her aspirations. Its not just Indian Idol where we see this. In fact, it's one of the serious issues that children face when making a career decision. Adults tend to completely ignore the fact that the child is free to make his own career choice and in fact might have already made one. A person needs guidance from parents while exploring the desired career options. Because of their life experiences they might know more about those professions than the child. However, after outlining the ins and outs, shouldn't the child in question be free to do what he wants to do with that information??
There is one particular contestant on Indian Idol, who was in the final 16 but was not sure if he will go further in the next round. Standing on the stage he had only one thing to say "Mom and Dad, please understand that I have and am working very hard to realize your dream but if I don't get audience's positive response, please remember that I will go on working for your dream" And tears rolled down his cheeks. Do you sense the magnitude of pressure he is under??
But why? If we have this confidence that we have raised our children well, we have kept the communication channels open with them, if we have impressed them with values of right and wrong, shouldn't we be able to entrust them in making this choice? Some people assert that given a free hand in this life impacting decision, the children would end up choosing some career that would not be fitting. But fitting to which mold? If its your desire that the child becomes a doctor, you would have envisioned him in that doctor coat every time he came home with the report card. And no matter what he wants to become now, it would not fit in that mold of your fancy!!
Maria Montessori says, "to give a child liberty is not to abandon him to himself or neglect him. The help we give must not amount to a passive indifference to all the difficulties he will encounter; rather we must support his development with prudent and affectionate care"
By providing the right guidance and a positive environment in the formative years, we should be able to trust our children to make informed decisions about their careers. But compelling them to become something we would love them to be isn't exactly being judicious. Every hopeful who was rejected after the audition was heart broken not because he/she couldn't make it but because mummy and papa will be sad that their child failed to actualize their dream.
When we become parents, we see our children as our very own extension, an addendum to the whole. It is hard to perceive that the child as an individual, who is separate from us and is really not here to dance to our tunes. He has an entity of his own, an entity that can have desires that clash with our aspirations. As parents, one of our important roles is to orient ourselves with the insider information about our children's strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, passions and indifference.
To quote Maria Montessori once more "Adults look upon a child as something empty that is to be filled through their own efforts, as something inert and helpless for which they must do everything, as something lacking an inner guide and in constant need of inner direction. . . . An adult who acts in this way, even though he may be convinced that he is filled with zeal, love, and a spirit of sacrifice on behalf of his child, unconsciously suppresses the development of the child's own personality"
So as parents are we not entitled to weave dreams for our children? Say's who? Fabricating dreams for the future is what keeps us hopeful towards life. How wonderful would it be if we envisage for our children, for them to be able to realize their own potential, for them to be able to live their dream and being contended and happy!!
"Why do you want to be the Indian Idol?"
And here the answers in no particular order:
1.Its my mom's dream.
2.Its my dad's dream
3.Its my mom and dad's dream
Out of the millions of hopefuls that came for the auditions only a handful had a reason outside of the one's mentioned above. Does this say anything about us as a society? As parents? Many of us, as parents, try to manifest our dream through our children. And in this quest of our own unfulfilled dream, we tend to make the child believe that this is what he/she wants for herself and that we are supporting his/her aspirations. Its not just Indian Idol where we see this. In fact, it's one of the serious issues that children face when making a career decision. Adults tend to completely ignore the fact that the child is free to make his own career choice and in fact might have already made one. A person needs guidance from parents while exploring the desired career options. Because of their life experiences they might know more about those professions than the child. However, after outlining the ins and outs, shouldn't the child in question be free to do what he wants to do with that information??
There is one particular contestant on Indian Idol, who was in the final 16 but was not sure if he will go further in the next round. Standing on the stage he had only one thing to say "Mom and Dad, please understand that I have and am working very hard to realize your dream but if I don't get audience's positive response, please remember that I will go on working for your dream" And tears rolled down his cheeks. Do you sense the magnitude of pressure he is under??
But why? If we have this confidence that we have raised our children well, we have kept the communication channels open with them, if we have impressed them with values of right and wrong, shouldn't we be able to entrust them in making this choice? Some people assert that given a free hand in this life impacting decision, the children would end up choosing some career that would not be fitting. But fitting to which mold? If its your desire that the child becomes a doctor, you would have envisioned him in that doctor coat every time he came home with the report card. And no matter what he wants to become now, it would not fit in that mold of your fancy!!
Maria Montessori says, "to give a child liberty is not to abandon him to himself or neglect him. The help we give must not amount to a passive indifference to all the difficulties he will encounter; rather we must support his development with prudent and affectionate care"
By providing the right guidance and a positive environment in the formative years, we should be able to trust our children to make informed decisions about their careers. But compelling them to become something we would love them to be isn't exactly being judicious. Every hopeful who was rejected after the audition was heart broken not because he/she couldn't make it but because mummy and papa will be sad that their child failed to actualize their dream.
When we become parents, we see our children as our very own extension, an addendum to the whole. It is hard to perceive that the child as an individual, who is separate from us and is really not here to dance to our tunes. He has an entity of his own, an entity that can have desires that clash with our aspirations. As parents, one of our important roles is to orient ourselves with the insider information about our children's strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, passions and indifference.
To quote Maria Montessori once more "Adults look upon a child as something empty that is to be filled through their own efforts, as something inert and helpless for which they must do everything, as something lacking an inner guide and in constant need of inner direction. . . . An adult who acts in this way, even though he may be convinced that he is filled with zeal, love, and a spirit of sacrifice on behalf of his child, unconsciously suppresses the development of the child's own personality"
So as parents are we not entitled to weave dreams for our children? Say's who? Fabricating dreams for the future is what keeps us hopeful towards life. How wonderful would it be if we envisage for our children, for them to be able to realize their own potential, for them to be able to live their dream and being contended and happy!!
May 12, 2010
May 10, 2010
Friend In Law
In the Hindi movie Bawarchi (1972) Harindranath Chatopadhya who plays the role of shivnath, the oldest man in the household, calls his son, played by A K Hangal, early in the morning for a cup of tea because their bawarchi (cook) has left work.
The son asks, "why did you call me so early in the morning?"
and the very old father replies:
Aur nahi to kya bahu ko bulata? (Should I have called my daughter in law instead?)
Wo to daughter in law hai, Qanoon ki beti. Ab subah subah qanoon ke jhameley mein kaun pade, isliye tujhey hi bulaya" !! :-))
(She is the "daughter in law" as in daughter of the law. Who wants to deal with the law right early in the morning, so I called you my son)
While getting pampered on Mother's Day one thought kept on loitering my mind. Is there a day to celebrate Mother in Laws? I mean is there a mother in law day? If there is one, it's not marketed well enough because I have never heard about it. A mother in law - daughter in law relationship is anything but unpretentious! Initial days or rather years are spent marking territories. Mother in law who generally rules the roost is determined to let the daughter in law know that being part of the family doesn't mean having authority. Do not mess with that! And the daughter in law is busy pronouncing her position in the roost, which by the way is more that being mere part of the family. This endeavor of power, though is not vocal but it certainly is undeniable. But please allow me to sweeten this tussle by expressing that it is not always unpleasant. Once the two are comfortable in their respective zones and are able to look at each other as a person, as an individual outside of how they are are related to each other and know about each other's likes, dislikes, hobbies & interests, they can experience the joy of an engaging friendship right at home!!
We all celebrate mother's day with much pomp and show, express our love for our beloved moms and it is important but isn't it even more important to express our gratitude for someone who didn't give birth to us and still plays the role of being a mother in more than one ways?
After celebrating mother's day, I am here today to write about my mother in law. I am not here to say that ours is a heaven sent relationship which never saw any bad day. We had had our shares of battles which subsequently brought a fair share of heartaches, for both of us. But which relationship in the world is perfect?
Life in not rosy at all times and there have been situations when I felt the need to tell her that there are times when we wish for her to just stand back and let us be. Its the same feeling a child feels towards her parents who sometimes, out of love and concern, over nurture. I believe she does understand that and keeps her distance when needed. In fact she goes a step further and helps my father in law comprehend that. I thank her for that! Also, in such times, sometimes I might have come across as rather hasty. Did that hurt you Ma? I do want to let you know that I appreciate as well as I am conscious of the fact that sometimes keeping distance must be hard for you. I thank you for those efforts you put in to let me be me.
Though that is how we are related, I don't primarily see her as "the mother of my husband". The bridge to our relationship is my husband and her son but by not tying ourselves to the expectations of our roles as a "mother in law" and "daughter in law", we have been able to accomplish a competence to be able to reach each other independently, just like two friends would.
In her I see a friend, a friend with whom I share every joke I hear, a friend who I love go to movies with and laugh like silly school girls, a friend with whom I love to shop, a friend who respects my passions, a friend who does not get insecure by my strengths, a friend who is proud to be with me, a friend who is also, incidentally, my mother in law.
The son asks, "why did you call me so early in the morning?"
and the very old father replies:
Aur nahi to kya bahu ko bulata? (Should I have called my daughter in law instead?)
Wo to daughter in law hai, Qanoon ki beti. Ab subah subah qanoon ke jhameley mein kaun pade, isliye tujhey hi bulaya" !! :-))
(She is the "daughter in law" as in daughter of the law. Who wants to deal with the law right early in the morning, so I called you my son)
While getting pampered on Mother's Day one thought kept on loitering my mind. Is there a day to celebrate Mother in Laws? I mean is there a mother in law day? If there is one, it's not marketed well enough because I have never heard about it. A mother in law - daughter in law relationship is anything but unpretentious! Initial days or rather years are spent marking territories. Mother in law who generally rules the roost is determined to let the daughter in law know that being part of the family doesn't mean having authority. Do not mess with that! And the daughter in law is busy pronouncing her position in the roost, which by the way is more that being mere part of the family. This endeavor of power, though is not vocal but it certainly is undeniable. But please allow me to sweeten this tussle by expressing that it is not always unpleasant. Once the two are comfortable in their respective zones and are able to look at each other as a person, as an individual outside of how they are are related to each other and know about each other's likes, dislikes, hobbies & interests, they can experience the joy of an engaging friendship right at home!!
We all celebrate mother's day with much pomp and show, express our love for our beloved moms and it is important but isn't it even more important to express our gratitude for someone who didn't give birth to us and still plays the role of being a mother in more than one ways?
After celebrating mother's day, I am here today to write about my mother in law. I am not here to say that ours is a heaven sent relationship which never saw any bad day. We had had our shares of battles which subsequently brought a fair share of heartaches, for both of us. But which relationship in the world is perfect?
Like many newlyweds, I was an amateur cook at best! But Ma was always there to share her wisdom in the kitchen. Over those rushed long distance phone calls, over the emails which she was learning to compose or in person, she always shares her recipes enthusiastically. There is no power struggle, no desire to demonstrate that only she can cook those dishes. I thank her for that. Today when I lovingly cook those dishes I learnt from her and get praises, I feel such warmth and proudly tell everyone that my mother in law taught me those.
Thank you Ma! While herself being in the kitchen, her sole focus is not on her son or her grand daughter, she very lovingly makes the things I love to eat!! Once, on our way to our endless shopping trips in Delhi, she made sure that I get to eat those steaming hot Shakarkandis, everyone else in the car was just so tired and wanted to go home but she diligently looked for one of those street vendors and was determined to find one!! Thank you Ma!
My mother in law is a woman of many attributes. Whether you are a relative, an acquaintance or a close friend, you would not want a social gathering without her presence. Along with her melodious voice, she brings life to the parties. The first time I heard her singing was when a Ramayan pathh was organised at home right after our wedding. It goes on for at least 2 days and the next morning we woke up to her lyrical voice. The comfort her harmonious voice brought to me was like a mother's touch who is caressing her child's forehead while the little one is in deep slumber. In that alien environment, her soothing voice made me feel at home. She has won over many friends with her singing. I only wish she pursued it as more than a hobby. Ma, did I ever tell you how much I love your singing? Please never take this away from yourself or from us!! She has a zeal for life and is always ready to learn new things, be it browsing the Internet, rewiring the computers or getting those new styles of blouses!! Her excitement in life awaken such positive thoughts in all of us that we are not scared to get old! Life in not rosy at all times and there have been situations when I felt the need to tell her that there are times when we wish for her to just stand back and let us be. Its the same feeling a child feels towards her parents who sometimes, out of love and concern, over nurture. I believe she does understand that and keeps her distance when needed. In fact she goes a step further and helps my father in law comprehend that. I thank her for that! Also, in such times, sometimes I might have come across as rather hasty. Did that hurt you Ma? I do want to let you know that I appreciate as well as I am conscious of the fact that sometimes keeping distance must be hard for you. I thank you for those efforts you put in to let me be me.
Though that is how we are related, I don't primarily see her as "the mother of my husband". The bridge to our relationship is my husband and her son but by not tying ourselves to the expectations of our roles as a "mother in law" and "daughter in law", we have been able to accomplish a competence to be able to reach each other independently, just like two friends would.
In her I see a friend, a friend with whom I share every joke I hear, a friend who I love go to movies with and laugh like silly school girls, a friend with whom I love to shop, a friend who respects my passions, a friend who does not get insecure by my strengths, a friend who is proud to be with me, a friend who is also, incidentally, my mother in law.
May 06, 2010
For My Mother
Mom and Dad dearly wanted a girl and all they had was two boys *eye roll* When I entered this world *drum rolls please* it was a very cold night but my parents filled their hearts with the fruition of their frolic! Mum said she looked at dad while he was busy admiring the baby, she knew this is the girl they always wanted. Both of them would splash me with love just like the ocean with all its fervor, smother the beach with its waves. At times they would stand behind looking tenderly at me, captivated by the charm of the girl they always wanted. Dad brought anklets paayal for me when I started walking. Every jingle and chime of my tiny steps would amuse them. Dad got enamored by his daughter but it was my mother who despite being in this grasp of love was able to see me as an individual who she was determined to raise with a desire to be independent. Hers was tough love. She knew its not a woman's world and she knew in order to survive in this male dominated world, a girl needs to know when to raise her hand and say No. She knew the world we live in sees a woman's worth by the men in her life and hence she knew the importance of having an independent mind, a conscious that would not be easily swayed by popular opinions and would have the ability to chose wisely. Her way of communication made her lovable. Say it with a smile, that was her motto. I remember going with her to the ration stores which were set up by the government to sell grains and sugar at a subsidized price. Like many other things these stores were taken over by crooks who would just send the customer back saying "khatam ho gaya" (its all finished) no matter what date of the month it would be! Mother would never fight them for her share but she used her words judiciously accompanied with a pleasant tone and it was only a matter of minutes that I would see the attitudes shifting from arrogance to diffidence. And then she would carry that big sack of wheat on her shoulders amidst the narrow congested vegetable market with no sign of embarrassment. She didn't care for what people would say, a lady carrying ration on her back while her husband is home, India is like that but she never bothered about the people who ridiculed her. Beside her, I would carry the smaller bag, the one containing sugar and every now and then she would give me a faithful look that said "you and me are in this together" and I would walk quietly trying to keep pace with her confident stride while clutching the sack and observing the onlookers with their judgmental expressions . Mom, with her crystal clear display of strong self confidence, made me what I am today. Her resilience to any and every kind of life situations helped this little girl grow up to be someone who can bear the weight of life as it comes. She didn't preach any life lessons to me because she knew her daughter isn't a mere observer. Her ingenuity at managing the house and the effective ways through which she involved us kids in that process, internalized in me innumerable skills without even trying. I thank her for that.
And once I became a mother, I realized how much I have really learned from her.
From a mother to her mother "Happy Mother's Day Mom"
This post goes to the Blogadda contest for Mother's Day!
I would chose this for my mother for the razzle dazzle she never had!
And once I became a mother, I realized how much I have really learned from her.
From a mother to her mother "Happy Mother's Day Mom"
This post goes to the Blogadda contest for Mother's Day!
I would chose this for my mother for the razzle dazzle she never had!
May 04, 2010
Joys of Summer
Living on this side of the globe has made me realize what a bliss it is to have summers. For a long part of the year, our region faces nature's fury in the form of snowstorms, ice storms, much much below freezing temperatures. But come the month of May and there is no other place we would rather be. It is lush green everywhere with a sunny warmth and a touch of breeze. It is seductive to say the least, anyone who visits during summers would want to live here forever. And that's why no guests are allowed in our house over the summers.....just kidding....but you got it, didn't you?
This past Sunday was one such perfect summer day here and we took it all in by being outside in the lawn,Saumya waswatering herself taking care of the plants , savoring juicy red water melon and running around in the lawn. That is all we did. But it was one of those days that stay in my memory forever. The days when none of us is busy and we are just being family, just there. Seeing everyone being joyous and all happy, I decided to surprise Saumya along with my hubby dear with a refreshing summer delight.
Mango Lassi
I promised IHM that I will share this recipe, here you go my dear friend.
Here's what all you need to quench your thirst..........
Mango : 1 count
Yogurt : 3/4 cup
Water : 1/2 cup
Sugar : To taste (If you are lucky enough to be in India during mango season, I don't think sugar is needed but elsewhere please adjust it depending on the sweetness of mango)
Here's what you need to do....
Peel and cut the mango. Put everything in the blender and let it run its fury! And there you have it.....Mango Lassi!
Give it a try!
This past Sunday was one such perfect summer day here and we took it all in by being outside in the lawn,Saumya was
Mango Lassi
Here's what all you need to quench your thirst..........
Mango : 1 count
Yogurt : 3/4 cup
Water : 1/2 cup
Sugar : To taste (If you are lucky enough to be in India during mango season, I don't think sugar is needed but elsewhere please adjust it depending on the sweetness of mango)
Here's what you need to do....
Peel and cut the mango. Put everything in the blender and let it run its fury! And there you have it.....Mango Lassi!
Give it a try!
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