Friend In Law

 In the Hindi movie Bawarchi (1972) Harindranath Chatopadhya who plays the role of shivnath, the oldest man in the household,  calls his son, played by A K Hangal,  early in the morning for a cup of tea because their bawarchi (cook) has left work. 
The son asks, "why did you call me so early in the morning?" 
and the very old father replies:
Aur nahi to kya bahu ko bulata? (Should I have called my daughter in law instead?)
Wo to daughter in law hai, Qanoon ki beti. Ab subah subah qanoon ke jhameley mein kaun pade, isliye tujhey hi bulaya" !!  :-))
(She is the "daughter in law" as in daughter of the law. Who wants to deal with the law right early in the morning, so I called you my son) 
                                             While getting pampered on Mother's Day one thought kept on loitering my mind. Is there a day to celebrate Mother in Laws? I mean is there a mother in law day? If there is one, it's not marketed well enough because I have never heard about it.  A mother in law - daughter in law relationship is anything but unpretentious! Initial days or rather years are spent marking territories. Mother in law who generally rules the roost is determined to let the daughter in law know that being part of the family doesn't mean having authority. Do not mess with that! And the daughter in law is busy pronouncing her position in the roost, which by the way is more that being mere part of the family. This endeavor of power, though is not vocal but it certainly is undeniable. But please allow me to sweeten this tussle by expressing that it is not always unpleasant. Once the two are comfortable in their respective zones and are able to look at each other as a person, as an individual outside of how they are are related to each other and know about each other's likes, dislikes, hobbies & interests, they can experience the joy of an engaging friendship right at home!!
  We all celebrate mother's day with much pomp and show, express our love for our beloved moms and it is important but isn't it even more important to express our gratitude for someone who didn't give birth to us and still plays the role of being a mother in more than one ways?   
                                 After celebrating mother's day, I am here today to write about my mother in law. I am not here to say that ours is a heaven sent relationship which never saw any bad day. We had had our shares of battles which subsequently brought a fair share of heartaches, for both of us. But which relationship in the world is perfect? 

                 Like many newlyweds, I was an amateur cook at best! But Ma was always there to share her wisdom in the kitchen. Over those rushed long distance phone calls, over the emails which she was learning to compose or in person, she always shares her recipes enthusiastically. There is no power struggle, no desire to demonstrate that only she can cook those dishes. I thank her for that. Today when I lovingly cook those dishes I learnt from her and get praises, I feel such warmth and proudly tell everyone that my mother in law taught me those.

Thank you Ma! While herself being in the kitchen, her sole focus is not on her son or her grand daughter, she very lovingly makes the things I love to eat!! Once, on our way to our endless shopping trips in Delhi, she made sure that I get to eat those steaming hot Shakarkandis, everyone else in the car was just so tired and wanted to go home but she diligently looked for one of those street vendors and was determined to find one!! Thank you Ma!

                                   My mother in law is a woman of many attributes. Whether you are a relative, an acquaintance or a close friend, you would not want a social gathering without her presence. Along with her melodious voice, she brings life to the parties. The first time I heard her singing was when a Ramayan pathh was organised at home right after our wedding. It goes on for at least 2 days and the next morning we woke up to her lyrical voice. The comfort her harmonious voice brought to me was like a mother's touch who is caressing her child's forehead while the little one is in deep slumber. In that alien environment, her soothing voice made me feel at home. She has won over many friends with her singing. I only wish she pursued it as more than a hobby. Ma, did I ever tell you how much I love your singing? Please never take this away from yourself or from us!!  She has a zeal for life and is always ready to learn new things, be it browsing the Internet, rewiring the computers or getting those new styles of blouses!! Her excitement in life awaken such positive thoughts in all of us that we are not scared to get old! 
                 Life in not rosy at all times and there have been situations when I felt the need to tell her that there are times when we wish for her to just stand back and let us be. Its the same feeling a child feels towards her parents who sometimes, out of love and concern, over nurture. I believe she does understand that and keeps her distance when needed. In fact she goes a step further and helps my father in law comprehend that.  I thank her for that! Also, in such times, sometimes I might have come across as rather hasty. Did that hurt you Ma? I do want to let you know that I appreciate as well as I am conscious of the fact that sometimes keeping distance must be hard for you. I thank you for those efforts you put in to let me be me. 
                                           Though that is how we are related, I don't primarily see her as "the mother of my husband". The bridge to our relationship is my husband and her son but by not tying ourselves to the expectations of our roles as a "mother in law" and "daughter in law", we have been able to accomplish a competence to be able to reach each other independently, just like two friends would. 
                       In her I see a friend, a friend with whom I share every joke I hear, a friend who I love go to movies with and laugh like silly school girls, a friend with whom I love to shop, a friend who respects my passions, a friend who does not get insecure by my strengths, a friend who is proud to be with me, a friend who is also, incidentally, my mother in law.