Go on, judge me

So the scene was something like this:
Me and my 6 year old were in the grocery store, in the dairy aisle to be precise, in the yogurt section to be very precise and were having a discussion on which yogurt to buy. I was looking for certain brand and the little one was asking me to buy whatever was available. It was a Sunday night, around 6 pm. Another family   , a young couple with a little one, about 2 or little older , was "trying" to just go through the ordeal.   Their little one was not happy sitting in the cart and none of them was ready to pick her up. We all know how it is sometimes. The crying sound was full on in the background but we were least bothered. Its a little baby you know, either they make you smile or they shriek! So back to us. My 6 year old was telling me to just buy whatever is there and stop looking for that certain brand and I was going on about how I like the taste and texture better of that certain brand.  An elderly woman comes up to me and asks "Well who is the parent here?" Though I wanted to say Well what do you know lady, I can totally use being a child right now. I would love to just throw a tantrum, its been a while. I want a certain yogurt and I won't settle for anything else. Wouldn't that have been fun!! But all I did say was "Ummm, I guess that would be me!!" And she says "Oh no, I am talking about them, the ones with the crying baby. Who in their right mind, on a Sunday night at dinner time, would bring a little one to the grocery store. My mom never did that, I never did that. And then people like these wonder why they have such restless kids. Why couldn't one of them stay home with the baby. I just don't understand. "
Wow, really? No, I mean really?
I don't know why but this reminded me of a certain facebook status by a friend few months back that read
 "Dear Mother-in-law,
                     Don't teach me how to handle my children.. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement...!"
Ouch that must hurt!!
What I really wanted to say was "Precisely Madam, you are being so judgemental because you don't understand. Maybe you have forgotten how is it being a parent, how you sometimes as a couple just want to be together, crying baby in the tow or not! How everyone has situations only they know about, how its just so easy to feel all righteous and pass remarks on young parents and be very smug about it." But all I did say was "...............", that's right, I just drew a blank and ignored her, part of the reason was my 6 year old was rambling about how we should just get what is available and not make a fuss about that certain brand. I tell ya, so many times this parenting thing just totally backfires and hits where it hurts the most.  I was waiting for the store guy to go and check for me if they have some in stock in the back room and my daughter was going on and on about how my being so particular about a thing is making us waste time! The frigid temps in the dairy isle weren't helping either. And to top it off, the wise elderly woman was following me like a hawker on the street. Damn all I am asking for is my yogurt!!
                   

Want To Help?

Our 5 year old was carrying a big heavy puzzle box to put away and the box broke while scattering all the pieces on the floor.
Saumya: Oh Oh!
Me: What happened?
Saumya: It all fell down.
I jumped down on the floor and started putting the pieces back in the box. To which she said
"If you want to help me, just leave the pieces on the floor. I know how to put them in the box"
And I tip toed back to where I was.
Ahem.

Shopping For A Mama?

Last Week I was out an about, hopping from store to another finishing my errands. In one of the stores, a duo of a mother and a son were shopping. The little guy was about 5 or 6 years old, sitting in the front of the shopping cart and like any other normal child, bombarding his mother with questions about whatever he could lay his eyes on!
         Mom, why are you looking at that shoe? Mom, would you buy me that? Mom, how long will we stay here? Mom, why did you try on that hat? Mom, what's in that box?The mother was doing a great job of going about her business while answering his questions with words requiring the least effort like Yes, No, Unhun and an occasional "Don't do that". I am guessing the little boy wanted more than that as a response, maybe that's the reason he asked his next question.
                            "Mom, are you really my mom?"          !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was well within an earshot and along with many others customers in the store, just couldn't help smiling at this question. But surprisingly the mother in question answered this too very peacefully with a simple Yes in the very same tone she was answering his other questions! The little guy, maybe hoping for more fodder for communication, went a step further and asked  
                                                          "Are you sure?"
!!!!!! Whoa, or so  I thought!! This woman has patience of iron it seems, she again said Yes and went about her business of looking at pretty jewelery in the store. But the little guy took a big leap this time, his finger straight pointing at me, yes me (!!!!!) and asked
                                "Why isn't that pretty lady my mom?"
  Ahem....Gulp!!    
Everyone around just couldn't keep their laughs under their breath anymore and one very old woman, grinning from ear to ear, asked the mother "Did he really ask that?!!"
The mother was now agitated (finally) and while mouthing a 'sorry' to me, she said to him "Because I gave birth to you and not that pretty lady"

What did the little guy say upon hearing his mothers response 

                             
                            "Damn Mom!!!"

 I am not sure if that woman or me, are going back to that store anytime soon!!

Life's Like That

Dear Saumya,

Summer vacation is just about to begin, to be exact its only two more days of school. You must be so happy!! No alarm clocks putting an instant stop on your dreams, no hurry up calls from me in the mornings. Yay! Just lazy summer days of doing whatever you want! Yoohoo!! Yeah, Not so fast honey. With me hovering around you for 24 hours a day, don't expect too much of lazying around. It's not my vacation, I still have all the jobs that I do everyday and then in addition there will be your sweet self to entertain. So just when you think of taking out those water paints and spread yourself on the family room floor, you will hear me calling you for a bath. Just when you think we can go out for a walk, you will see me chopping and stirring in the kitchen. Right when you take that board game out, you will see me lugging that laundry basket down the stairs. And just when you get bored of me bossing you around and decide to lay low and lie down on your bed, I will request you to take out your most complicated puzzle. Make it. I will be like this, for the first few weeks I guess. Many a times I will not answer your questions not because I won't know the answers but to tell you the truth I become very bitter when I am under your radar all the time. Its like you are doing that Police song on me

Every breath you take and every move you make 

Every bond you break 

Every step you take, I'll be watching you 

Every single day and every word you say 

Every game you play 

Every night you stay, I'll be watching you 

You not only watch but also ask the "why" of every move and step I take. 

Why did you cu that strawberry like that? Why did you wash those rice two times, why did you put the ketchup bottle here, why did you stir that pot so fast, why why why!!

And when I am bitter, I like to keep my mouth shut. Sorry sweetheart, people must be  looking forward to their kid's vacation and they must be making such merry making plans of the things they are going to do together. All I am hoping to do, at least in the first few weeks, is to preserve our sanity, your and mine, both! We love each other like no one can but we are so not used to spend every waking moment together and expecting us to smooth sail through this, without hitting any bumps, would be asking for just too much. Totally unrealistic !! Right? Right.

                                    My summer vacations, yes I had those too (!!!) , used to start in my Mausi's home. That's right!!  When I would come back home on the last day of school, I would find Promila Mausi waiting for me with my clothes already packed to go. Mother would call from her office and tell me that I can go with her. And without seeing my mom, I would give my hand to Mausi and hop on the DTC bus, thinking about all the fun I would have at mausi's home, with my cousins. We would go back and forth from mausi's home back to our's, all the while the cousins helping finish each other's holiday's homework, making charts, painting posters, writing essays, collecting pictures for scrapbooks, building models. None of our parents knew what homework we got but they did know that whatever it is, the kids will make sure it's done.

     But sweetheart, here its just you and me. No mausi, mama or bua can come to pick you up. We are so far away from them that no matter how much they yearn for you, none of your cousins can be with us during your vacations. We will not have anyone with whom you can partner in the mischiefs, no sisters to play hopscotch with, no peers to giggle with. I am sorry honey,  Its just me you got. Your dad, as usual, will brighten our evenings, his arrival from work will give both of us a breather. He will salvage us from the weariness we impound each other with. God bless his soul for putting up with us!!

                                I know we will be doing lots of fun stuff together too but who are we kidding, right? Having fun with your mother will always pale in comparison to what you little girls manage to have. Oh well!  In times like these, I am  just left to ask myself this question, where's our family and why are we so far away from them.

               But since life's like that for us, we got to make the most of what we got. And you got me!! So  I wish you a fun filled happy summer vacation, yes we will try!

Lot's of love

Mamma

Show and Tell

While browsing the TV channels few hours ago I came across an ad for a new TV show "Baat Humari pakki Hai" 
Here's the promo that intrigued me,
It is hardly a minute long but still there is so much wrong here, or I should say there is hardly anything in it that is right!
Wow! We are telling our girls that

• they should not play in the sun or their complexion will darken and no one would marry them, 
• they need to learn to cook to get married, 
• they need not focus on their academics because once they get married only housework knowledge will come handy and 

after all this when the time comes the ball is still in the guy's court as the woman in the video puts it  "hum ladka dekhney nahi ladki dikhaney jaa rahe hain" (we are not going to see the boy but to show our girl) . So what we are basically saying  is ......If the guy likes you, you should not have the nerve to say no because you cannot and your opinion does not matter, why? because you were raised to get married and not ask questions, not express your likes and dislikes, you need to be thankful that he, who came to see you, has approved you and if he doesn't like you, better go check the mirror, there's got to be something wrong about you and we as a family are doomed. You are an object of this Show and Tell, where we show and they tell and you endure. And if you want any of this to change, hope to be born as a man next time.
                    This is where we have reached after claiming bragging rights for Jhansi ki rani who led a battle, Sarojini Naidu who was the president of Indian National Congress and later on became the first female governor in India, Kamaljit Sandhu who won a Gold in Asian games for India, Kalpana Chawla who went to space, Indira Gandhi, Pratibha Patil and many unknown women who are achieving what they aspire. The list of women who went on to do something with their lives other than just getting married is endless and we all are proud of them. When we present our country anywhere else in the world, we do not shy away and rather flaunt about these facts, we love to tell everyone that ours is a progressive country with equal rights and opportunities for men and women. Is it really the reality? When the time comes for us to participate in that progress, when we get a chance to empower our girls, what do we do in our homes? We give them a rolling pin and a fairness creme.
                                    A friend in college was once told by her boyfriend that when you see my mom I want you to look down and keep your head down. You posture isn't like that of a daughter in law. When she told me this we both knew what her decision should be. But really? This is what we expect? The conclusive and final goal for a girl is getting married and since the time she is born, her upbringing needs to be such that she becomes a "good wife" who tends the house and raise kids. And do we ever think what kind of children she is going to raise if her only mission in life was to get married, if she was never told the importance of learning, never told or was rather discouraged to speak for herself? How can she raise balanced minds when hers was made to tilt in one direction? How can we have a positive society when almost half the population has been robbed of their happiness?  Aren't we setting ourselves up for failure? Should we not be worried about this lop sided society we are trying to create with this imbalance? When will we wake up to this fact that if a girl holds the rolling pin, its not just to please her in laws or her husband, cooking could be her passion, or she may want to become a chef! While grooming herself, she may become interested in being a make up artist or a fashion designer, she might be weaving a dream of being an athlete....or for all its worth, she may want to lead a non professional life of a homemaker but these need to be her aspirations and not imposed on her by anyone, she needs to grow up with a respect for her desires and aspirations and we need to be the instrument for that growth. And for any of these to come true, we need to realize that getting married is a part of her life and not her life. She is not for Show and Tell, she is an entity, a person, a mind and a heart. And the day we all recognize and in fact appreciate this bottom line, then we can end the story with .......and they lived happily ever after. 

From Mercury To Pluto

Once my little daughter, when she was 4 years old, told me how God and a mother are related. Her point of view though precious, did pose a lot of questions to me. When we are little children we see our parents as absolutes, as irrefutable entities. If my mother said so, it has to be true, if my dad can't do it no one can. Parents are given an unparalleled position, a supreme pedestal by the little ones and these rudimentary souls hold indestructible trust that whatever parents say or do is beyond question. Its one of the purest form of human emotions. Such kind of love and trust is nowhere to be seen, never in any other relationship. Why? And why does this relationship of a parent and child change? 
             When a child is born, she is at the mercy of her parents to survive. They feed her, clean her, comfort her, they provide for her in every possible way she needs them and then some more. The child starts growing and though very little, her mind is taking shape with the influx of information that is obviously in favor of the parent. I cried, they fed me. I cried, they swaddled me. I cried, they cleaned me. I cried, they held me. I cried, they talked to me. Whenever the child wants, we give. All the childhood years, this process goes on. And the parents enjoy doing this because their actions are never questioned, never investigated by the child. There is no doubt it's a laborious task but a very gratifying one!! Parents are in control of the situation, they have complete authority and the child displays a sense of security while being in their company. It's a harmonious system of give and take, where one gives and the other takes. But as the child grows, she gets exposed to the outside world. There are other people, other places, and other experiences outside home that influence the flourishing mind. And the shift begins. The child develops a mind of his own which does not take things as absolutes, a mind which questions everything and does not follow rules simply because mama said so. The progressing mind asks for reasons and also starts to question his parent's beliefs and values.  The child isn't just an unassuming, compliant sole anymore. The parents, who became so habitual of being on the supreme pedestal that their child honored them with in the early years, become nervous. This inquisition makes them uneasy.
                          Few days ago, we were in the car, going out for casual family fun and my little one said "Mama, I love you" This verbal display of love isn't out of the ordinary for her, she says it only about 10 or 15 times a day. I was reading something and responded with a nod and a "Umhum" and then she said "Mama, I love you from Mercury to Pluto" ..................Honestly, my heart skipped a beat. To say that I was ecstatic would be an understatement but more than that I was afraid. Her words grabbed my heartstrings and pulled on them as if asking "Are you ready to take the pain, are you strong enough to bear the heartache?" 
       Not that I believe that once we grow up, we stop loving our parents but our opinion about them does change. They don't get to say the last word, we learn that they always don't know what's best for us, we mature enough to acknowledge that if dad can't do, somebody else can. Because of our growth as an individual, our own set of ideas, our own perception of right and wrong, all that shapes us as an independent entity and separates us from the whole, we become capable of looking at our parents as normal, regular people. We are able to expect mistakes from them, our wisdom helps us unload from them the burden of being "supreme beings" and in a way this should bring a sigh of relief to parents but it does exactly the opposite. To the parents, that absolute, never questioning, unconditional love of the child seems to travel from Mercury to Pluto, from burning hot to freezing cold. The parent child relationship changes. For the "all in power parent" its hard to relinquish that predominant position that the child bestowed them with. 
                              Looking at my relationships, I am not the same with my parents. I love them even more than when I was a child, for now I understand their struggles as well as their little joys but I can also analyze their actions and can perceive the mistakes they made, things they could have done better or not. And history has a tendency to repeat itself, life has a penchant of coming to a full circle which brings me back to my fear. I am afraid to lose that shining pedestal, the glory of being the first in my child's life, the powerful feeling of knowing the right thing all the time.
                     But when I ponder a little more, I believe as a parent I need to remember that there will be a time when  my child will experience life on her own and I won't be a part of every peak and valley she goes through. The years I spend with her while standing at the podium will make memories forever but there will be time to handover the podium to her. And her love will travel back and forth between Mercury and Pluto but I need to stay grounded on earth and not melt in the heat or freeze in the frigidity of that love.