I Am Sorry

Two 5 year old girls (cousins) playing together, sharing their books, toys, food, clothes and sharing the people around them. One's mother is another's aunt, one's sister is another's cousin, one's chachi is another's mami. While spending those precious moments with each other that they know aren't very frequent, they get in a fight. Everyone around gets upset that peace is broken. "What happened, they were so nice to each other" and within few minutes both the girls are not looking at anybody but the floor while everyone else has taken the charge to make the situation right! "Say Sorry to her, you have to say sorry, say it, say it now, say sorry to each other" Both of them are being reprimanded by elder siblings, cousins as well as aunts. Did this coercion make them say sorry? In this case no. 

And I am grateful that the girls didn't budge. 

Did your jaw drop on the floor ;-)? 

Please let me say some more before you write me off as being obnoxious. Apologizing when you mean it, is a wonderful tool to make a truce but forcing other's to apologize sends wrong message home. Children can learn that they can do whatever and say sorry and it will be all right. They can learn that they can hit others, wreck their work and when an adult gets to know, simply blurting the word "sorry" would let them get away. They can learn that they can do wrong and then fix it with a simple word "sorry". 

Why didn't these girls say sorry? Sometimes, like adults, children are too embarrassed, muddled with their own actions that they are unable to bring themselves to say sorry. Many a times they don't really know what happened and feel that by saying sorry they own up to whatever happened and are scared of the unknown consequences. Even when we know we are wrong, it takes a lot of courage to come out and say "sorry" and it becomes even more difficult when others are banging on their heads to say it.

      I do want to point out here that apologizing for a mistake is important and should be done but creating a storm in a cup for the actual apology in that very moment would just exasperate the situation. If a child is refusing to say sorry which could be for any of the reasons noted above, the expert advice is to say sorry on her/his behalf and then later discuss the incident with the child when everyone is calm. This does not mean that we shouldn't ask kids to say sorry for their wrong doings, how else will they learn this important part of social manners and skills but beating the drum and getting into a power struggle "I will make you say sorry or you will have to face this/that consequence" isn't exactly an effectual approach.

I was completely enamored by the way children in Montessori school learn to deal with such situations.  This Montessori technique tackles the problem from the opposite end. Instead of focusing on the apology, the wrongdoer is told in clear words straight from the horse's mouth what has happened and what affect it had. This does make it easy for the wrongdoer to realize what she/he has done and without any adults yelling, instead of getting into a power struggle, the child is able to maintain perspective. 

Using this approach is much harder than using parental authority to make the child say sorry. This approach will only work when the child has learnt with experience that she can express her hurtful feelings with words as well as accept mistakes without any fear of punishments. Providing and maintaining a positive environment that will foster responsibility for one's actions is far more crucial than glorifying an apology.