IHM , my friend, you just woke me up from my deep blog slumber! Here’s what I have to say to your question...Is marriage an over rated institution??? I would nod with an emphatic yes to that question. It is presented as a win win situation though...so let's see what a girl wins in the equation.
In India, girls tend to lose more than they gain by being married. Right when the ceremonies begin, it is an unspoken truth that no matter what the boy's side does and asks for, the girl's side has to comply. The start of the relationship happens at an unequal footing. nahi beta, wo ladkey wale hain
Once the newlywed girl reaches her in-laws home, the only words that she can use are "Haan ji" (which would loosely translate to "as you say' in this situation), utter anything else and she can be the talk of the town for being such a badtameez (manner less and arrogant). She should know that girls, especially when they become bahus, don't have a right to have an opinion, much less express it!!
So there goes your basic freedom of speech.
The daughter in law will be told what can she wear and what colors can it be. She has to wear bindi, has to wear bangles, cannot wear jeans, and can’t even think of skirts. Up until now, she has been dressing up in crap and by being married, she has got an army of designers, Lucky her! that includes her MIL, FIL and basically everyone with an in-law suffix. They all know what will work. And she has to comply, otherwise, you got it right, she is arrogant.
And there goes the basic freedom of dressing up.
Though she is the one who is new in a family, the onus of keeping everyone happy rests on her and she needs to remember in laws are super easy to offend. Wake up when you want to, someone gets offended. Talk to your mom on the phone, someone gets offended. Don't cook and offend the whole family!!
Sky can fall if she expresses the urge to see her side of the family. If she needs to go out with friends, permission needs be sought from in laws. And the in laws are very nice if they say yes, plus she is considered very lucky.
Hence goes a basic freedom to living your life.
Where is the guy? Did he change his wake up time just because he got married? Did he change the way he dresses? Did he change his social behavior? Did he forgo seeing his parents on a certain festival because he has to be with the girl's parents?
A girl is raised with one single goal and that is to get married and stay married. Learn to cook, not because it’s a good skill to have to be able to feed yourself but to get married. The ultimate goal of a girl's life is expected to be to please others and aspire for their approval. All in all its lose lose situation for girls. If they chose to not to get married (as if they can!) the society always looks at them in demeaning ways. If she does get married (as if there is a choice) society has all the tools to rob her of basic freedoms. And lo and behold, if she dares to speak up and gets out of a bad marriage and gets a divorce, she is looked down upon as the one who was on the wrong side. She should have adjusted, she should have just used her inner strength to over look the all the problems and be in that relationship for the sake of others.
People say marriage isn't between two individuals but between two families, I would tweak this statement with one word and say that "A wedding is between the families but marriage is between two individuals" Wedding is a ceremony where all can have fun but a marriage is a relationship, a life that a man and a woman lead afterwards. It takes a lot of effort to make any marriage work but this work needs to take place between the husband and wife. Like any relationship, a marriage needs two individuals who look at each other as companions, I love how this quotes puts things in perspective “Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one" If anyone, girl or boy, is expected to just lose their own self to make a marriage work, its totally not worth it. How can a person be not themselves and be expected to be happy and furthermore raise happy kids?
If getting married wasn't such a big deal, girls would have a better chance at life. Female infanticide wouldn't be there because no parent would be worried about the burden of dowry, life would not be a gamble for their daughters, there daughter's happiness would not depend on some other family. If getting married wasn't the ultimate goal for girls, parents would not see money spent on their education as waste, because who knows if her future family would allow her to work, also they wouldn't be worried about saving every penny for her dowry. They will be able to use that same money for better things like their own retirement, her education. Parents would have the freedom of raising their girls with a normal childhood, with the goal of shaping up a strong individual and not a "perfect daughter in law" or "some one's wife" Domestic violence would be tackled much easily if the girl knows that in order to appear normal she doesn't need to stay married. Undue advantage is taken just because of this known fact that she can't raise a voice because society expects her to stay married and appear happy.
Institution is a noun and as someone rightly said marriage is a verb. It isn't something you get, it's something you do. It's the way you live your life everyday with your partner. But if you insist it being an institution then, I say, as with any other institution, admission should be optional and not required. Everyone should get married if they want and not because they are expected to.
"Parents would have the freedom of raising their girls with a normal childhood, with the goal of shaping up a strong individual and not a "perfect daughter in law" or "some one's wife"
ReplyDeleteAnd,
"if you insist it being an institution then, I say, as with any other institution, admission should be optional and not required."
Absolutely LOVED your post Sandhya! Shared it on twitter & buzz. I hope everybody reads it.
Yes, our society would have been so different if the parents did not start thinking of a girl's marriage from the moment she was born. I feel even the fear of social stigma marring her 'chances' of finding a good husband would not have been there, and so parents would have boldly tackled sexual crimes, like 'eve teasing' and molestation etc. Today Indians don't report most sexual crimes against women fearing 'who will marry her' if her 'dishonor' is known to the world.
In Aruna Shanbagh's case the criminal is free and she is suffering for 30 years for something he did - some facts of the crime were suppressed to protect her 'honor' or he could have got a harsher sentence that he deserved.
What an amazingly accurate insight of an Indian girl’s life in a marriage. It never seizes to amaze me that it makes no difference where you live, whether it is in India or USA, the same unspoken rules apply.
ReplyDeleteI am eternally grateful and count my blessing for a wonderful husband ☺.
Im surprised that such a scenario exists in the world and not in India only..
DeleteEveryone should get married if they want and not because they are expected to. - Agree
ReplyDeleteBut you know, not all in-laws are like that. It takes a lot of patience to search for the right kind of family - in case of arranged marriages. But the situation has changed on our side atleast - my mom used to wear skirts even when she married and came to our town. It is a very very small and orthodox place,but my grandmom never told her what to and what not to wear. Even now, if there is a tiff between dad and mom, my grandma takes my mom's side.
Agree that it is a rare case, but such people do exist. All my cousin bhabhis have their individual freedom and have assimilated in the family as if they were always a part of it.
I though am worried sick about how will I find that kinda family/ guy :D
The last line says it all! So glad to c a post form u Sands :)
ReplyDeleteNicely written. It is so true. Particularly loved the line .... People say marriage isn't between two individuals but between two families, I would tweak this statement with one word and say that "A wedding is between the families but marriage is between two individuals"
ReplyDelete@coolkamikazecat : That is right, not everyone is like that but majority is and hence the post. Plus, if someone does have a good married relationship where wife and husband are truly equal, somehow society expects the girl to be apologetic about it, her in laws feel that her husband is just too nice to her, its as if being treated equally is privilege for girls whereas it has to be an unspoken fact, there should be no other way.
ReplyDelete@RM: Do you think men also count their blessings for being treated as equals?
ReplyDelete@Swaram: IHM invoked me :-)
ReplyDelete@ Phoenixritu : In India the wedding party just never leaves and I believe that's half the problem!
ReplyDeleteI am a person striving hard to make people understand the last line of your post, all with my life itself. Am to the core against marriage as an institution. I should get married if I feel I need a company and I cant live with a person whom I meet over a cup of coffee. How can I make him understand that I am all this and all that, just through a few meetings? And above all, I cant look at every guy on the road, whether he will be fit for me or not. I believe, its a feeling that should happen on its own. Not only me, but also the person should feel that "I am the one". Lets give that curing time in life.
ReplyDeleteBut sadly, all those relatives, a few of whom I havent even met since years, turned up to tune my mind to the "this happens to everyone in the world, right? Why dont you just obey?". Hell! Yes, Hell! Am having a real tough time. Huh! I have again loads in mind to dump on this topic, better i put in my blog.
Thanks for that post sweetie. Atleast, a few parents would get the clue!! Love you.
Hello sandhya, I just came across your blog and love your blog. its so accurately true. Marriage should be more than just the compromising female..I love the way you write. I too write a blog on my thoughts.. if you want check it out at - www.wizardofthought.com
ReplyDeleteHi Sandhya,
ReplyDeletegot to know about this post on blogadda. Really very nice post.
since thousands of year women is being dominated in the marriage system by such social taboos, but because of growing education, awareness and social reforms situation is changing slowly. Now women have also started demanding equal status and when men recognizes it life goes smooth but he fails to do so it culminates in divorce.
क्या आपकी शादी हो गयी?
ReplyDeleteAbhimanyu : haanji ho gayee.
ReplyDeleteDear Sandhya ji,
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate whatever concerns you've raised in your post. I had a question in my mind I wanted to ask, if I may. From the blog comments I realize that you are married, but no information about your kids. But never mind. What I want to say is, you have listed so many accusations here. The day when you'll step in the shoes of being Mother-in-law would you allow your daughter-in-law to have her freedom of speech, freedom of dressing, freedom of living ? I guess right now you'll say - Yes i'll. But wait for the time to come and then you'll realize why all this happens. And I am really not trying to be judgemental on your views. Neither I am advocating about you being right or wrong. All I want to say is that, its always easier said than done. But if you really mean what you've said, please do keep you words.
@Vishal: What I have listed are not accusations but reality. I don't want to simply wait for that time to come and find myself doing those things, I would rather ask questions and understand what makes people do it so it can be corrected. I don't see what kind of reasons can justify curbing someone's freedom of speech and freedom of living. If a hungry man steals food from a store for a valid reason that he has no money and was genuinely hungry, does that make his action right? Having reasons for doing something wrong doesn't make it right.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by.
hahaha!! i liked the point on whole army of designers !! ROFL !! 90% of the gals go thru this phase in their life, whether love/ arranged!
ReplyDeleteWoefully Married...
ReplyDeleteMarried to divorce.
Getting married without giving it a proper thought is generally the first mistake that we make in the matrimony phase followed closely by second one in shape of a divorce after couple of months or years depending on individual levels of patience and tolerance. My statement may sound hyper to lot many of the readers but it is a hard fact of life. We are so casual and random about our selection of a life partner that it leads to utter disharmony in the married life.
The criteria of such an important decision of life is equally disgusting.. Normally it is money and physical looks and if you are bitten by the love bug than no criteria exists and it is just lover and the beloved arrangement with no justifications and basis... Considering the compatibility remains rarest of rare occurrences. No wonder marriages are being closely followed by divorce petitions resulting in lot of mental trauma for both partners and other family members who are needlessly roped in this chaotic situation.
Compatibility physical as well as mental is important for a lasting and enduring relationship. In the courtship period it is very difficult to judge a person properly as he or she is displaying his or her best self. And to unveil the true identity of the individual you need to spend time with each other and indulge in mutual sharing of various issues of life. When you are together for longer period and face the situations of life jointly these very situations and daily happenings ultimately unveils the true identity of a person. The match or mismatch becomes boldly visible and the remedy in shape of make or break is still in hand with minimum damage and embarrassment to both the families. But normally in a hurry to get united with the status of husband and wife we overlook and ignore the compatibility requirements which results in disastrous consequences for both husband and wife.
Beauty attracts vice and if you are beautiful or handsome the chances are that the person courting you might be more towards your physical charm guided by lustful feelings and once sex takes place the objective is achieved and the attraction vanishes. Such kind of people seek variety and to add spice to their life they start looking for a fresh catch forgetting the previous one. This shatters the self respect and pride of the person who was sexually exploited merely for satisfying the lust and not for marrying. Honor is lost, pride is lost everything is lost by then leaving behind a totally broken individual depressed in life.
There are numerous things which should be probed before entering into the relationship of marriage. Temperament, intelligence, sensitivity and various other traits of personality should be studied. How can we decide on all these issues and pass a judgment so fast which can effect our entire life. Not only ours but that too of our parents and our near and dear ones. Are we marrying to divorce? If not than please give a very careful thought to all the facts before taking a decision of marriage.
Marriages are not made in heaven as normally said. Had it been like that, no marriage would have broken. They are very much made here on earth by us and we are responsible for whatever is the outcome of such a relationship. So seek enduring relationships for mutual happiness
Hi Sandhya,
ReplyDeleteI stumbled across your blog and found this so interesting. I always wondered what it's like for different cultures. My friend did a post on some of the aspects here http://www.lifeofsomethingnew.com/2011/05/mating-habits-in-india.html.
I linked to this post. I think my readers would love to read it. :)
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOhhh god i agree with u, but is duniya me mere jaise achhe ladke bhi hai, I Love n respect my wife a lot :-)
ReplyDeleteVery well written piece of reality and i was thinking that only me (boy) has problems in life! :-)
ReplyDeleteRohit
www.delhievents.com
Well written post, Sandhya.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to a lot of this - a large part of it has been something I have been going through myself for the last 2 years, and have heard a lot from friends as well.
Marriage is pretty much something you do because you have to do it - like brushing, eating, sleeping. It's a taboo if you don't get married. And god forbid you're old - you're labelled as being someone with problems and had to wait so long to find a guy!
Here's what I've come to believe - MILs feel that they went through a lot themselves with their in-laws, and so, their DILs should do the same. After all, how else would they be in control and in a commanding situation. As much as they like to believe that education and standing on your own feet is important, it seems to be applicable only to their daughters - not to their DIL. Even if they don't care about what you wear, when you go out, where you go, whether you work or not, blah blah blah... you might be making crores for all you care... but at home you have to be the "haan-ji" daughter-in-law - as you very aptly put it.
Another major problem lies with the men - they refuse to believe that their mothers can ever be wrong. They want wives who are educated, independent, etc., but they expect these same women to be submissive at home. After all's it's a man's world! Nothing will change for generations.
Every MIL says that she will not do to her DIL what she went through. But it doesn't happen just by saying it.
And after years, its only the women who have to give-in, to save their marriage. So they shut up and live the rest of their life, wishing that they'd never gotten married. And then the cycle begins again!!!!!
My moral of the story is - if you give in, you'll become like that 30 years later - when you have a DIL. Just to take badla - so don't give in. Stand up and fight for your rights.
I lived in the US for 7 years, and never heard jokes about marriage and the burden of marriage to men or how they lose their freedom from anyone there. People got married because they wanted to get married, not because they had to! Because they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together! They had children because they wanted to.. not because their in-laws demanded it of them!
ReplyDeleteAnd that's where the difference lies.... Indians get married because they HAVE to... not because they want to. and that's the start to all the problems... and the cycle repeats with every generation!!!!!
Well said.
ReplyDeleteBut I feel Indian woman are not seriously trying to bring about a change. In the initial days after the marriage the DILs prefer to be servile, ready to do anything to impress and please the in-laws. But they cannot put on that mask for long. And when their true self comes out the trouble creeps in. As long as they refuse to express their individuality (without offending others) right from the beginning they will end up complaining.
Inspite of having conservative in-laws I don't have such complaints (but yes, there are different sort of complaints) because I never tried to disguise my own self.